The Final Fantasy XIII E3 Trailer Spoof
by secretgal
Summary: A parody look at the E3 2009 trailer. I appologize here for any supidity or flat jokes.


The trailer opens with a shot of a cloudy sky. A cloudy sky rendered on the greatest chips and computing power that square has to offer. We then see a futuristic ship fly through the sky, approaching some sort of moon like thing. And then, for the first time, we hear an English voice, who will turn out to be Oerba Dia Vanille.

"I'm supposed to say something dramatic and powerful…but I'm just going to make up stuff up as I go…Isn't it fun?!"

We then cut to Lightning and Sazh, standing on a platform looking at a weirdly shaped image.

"There it is," Sazh says, "What we've been looking for."

"Yeah. Right in there," replies Lightning.

"The plot, huh."

Next we see something that looks like it was ripped out of a Star Wars movie. Bunches of flying crafts are invading beach community. Over all of this is a blue haired, Riku looking commander giving an order: "Attention all extras and throwaway characters: lunch will be served in three hours. If any annoying fans come walking onto the set, you are to escort them off the set and tell them that Square will not be releasing the game until everything is completed. If they are annoyed by this, then you have the right to dispose of them.

"Peace out bros."

The announcement is followed by the ship that was seen in the beginning of the trailer being shot off into the air. This is met with the screams of Vanille and Sazh, who are not enjoying the ride.

The situation gets worse, because they fly into an unauthorized airspace and someone starts firing their lazars!

Sazh tries his best to be a responsible driver, but fails miserable. This annoys Lightning, who is easily annoyed by everything, and she decides to take matters into her own hand.

"Give me that! You never played Star Fox." Lightning grunts as she takes the controls away from Sazh. I guess all those years of playing games pays off because she gets a hit. This delights Vanille.

"Did you own them?" screams Vanille. My ears bleed.

"I pwned one," Lightning yells back.

Next is…WHAT THE HECK SQUARE! WHAT IS IT WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH TENTACLE RAPEING YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS! YOU PERVERTED JERKS! I'M NOT WRITING THAT. Short story: the cast gets tentacle raped. I hope you fans are happy.

We then skip to some sort of ceremony, with a huge casket and a robed Vanille. The camera focuses on a person who looks like Sephiroth. At this point, it's hard to tell if this person is a man or a woman. But the answer is soon revealed as we finally see the character's face. All of the men watching the trailer are now instantly drooling at the sight of the woman's huge…assets.

"I am sexy, don't you think?' she says, in a very smooth and sexy way. Vanille pouts as she's dragged off screen. The new woman continues speaking. "For every task, there's a perfect boob, I mean tool." Either way, I'm grossed out.

We then cut to see Lightning running away from Sazh.

"The main character says jump to your death," Lightning says as she jumps off a platform to her inevitable death.

Next, Snow turns around to see a gun being pointed at him. "What the heck man!" he yells.

"So you're a main character?" the guy asks. "What makes you so special?" I was going to say that Snow has been designed by Nomura, like all the other important characters.

And speaking of unimportant characters, we again see Lightning and Sazh. Apparently, something has ticked Lightning off as she shoves him. "Just saw it: any unimportant characters in the plot. Anyone who can become one…they all should be killed off." Violent much?

Sazh then gets a part, as he says to Vanille, "Anyone who messes with the plot, ends up dead."

We then see Lightning holding her chest in pain. I think she ticked off the plot. "All the fans want us!" she cries in agony. "How is some whiny kid who can't fight help us? We're gonna die!" We then see said whiny kid, who looks like a young Fred form Scooby-Doo with white hair. I'm not even going to try and explain how a kid has white hair.

The new character then gets a speaking part in the next scene. Snow is apparently being a wus and is running off to do something. "What the heck," the new character yells. "I thought you were the man here?!"

Now we see Lightning, who is apparently having a pow-wow with all the major characters. "Far as the plot is concerned, we're supposed to follow its direction. But if they try and kill us, then I'm not going to take it."

"So, what do we do?" asks Sazh.

The camera pulls in dramatically to Lightning's face as she says, "Kill the director."

Next we get a shiny fight montage, followed by a summoning montage, and then a running montage.

For the final scene, all of the characters are gathered around the steps of a door, which has just opened in a very dramatic manner. Everyone gasps and awes at the sight.

Snow, being the hero here, walks to toward the door.

"Excuse me, just where are you going fool?" asks Sazh.

"Got a meeting with the plot," he replies.

"What? You really think you're important enough to do that?!"

The tall blond swings around. "We're main character's right? We're gonna do something NOW!"

Sazh remains silent. Hope is in the background with Vanille, looking terrified. But Lightning mutters something like, "Fine, I'll show you men how it's done" and steps forward. She then struts right past Snow. Everyone gasps in awe.

The camera pans to Snow's face. "I'd hit that," he says, with a grin on his face and runs off to hit that.

End trailer.


End file.
